You’re Not Tired.
On the days we call ourselves tired, we may be covering for something else: a day without meaning, or loneliness.
Note: The following was written by the author in September 2021 for Eric Chow’s email newsletter, edited for this article.
You know those days that are just…hectic? You know, the ones where you are running around from task to task, event to event, where any transitions as you’re moving from one thing to another is interrupted with a text message or email or phone call that you need to take care of for later that day. The ones where you forget to use the restroom. At the end of that day, you get in your bed exhausted.
Last Friday was an exact opposite of what I just described. I was already back in my bed around 4 pm. I’d done hardly anything. Yet, the whole day I’d been telling myself about how tired I’d been. It didn’t make any sense.
There are countless days, even in just the past year, where I was doing so much more, days that have been more hectic, more challenging, more chaotic. Now that’s exhausting. It didn’t make sense to be tired from doing a lot, and also to be tired from doing nothing. Yet there I was, Friday at 4 pm lying in my bed, having the time to tell myself “I’m tired.” That wasn’t right.
I had an epiphany that day that made me jump out of bed, and it sparked this bit you’re reading now. You ready for it? This is my epiphany:
“You’re not tired. You’re just not living with purpose and meaning, you’re not doing the things that gives you life. That’s why you’re feeling drained.”
A Mask with Our Words
A lot of us like to say that we are tired, and we hear other people say it all that time. Sometimes we label ourselves as “tired” or “exhausted” without realizing that being “tired” was merely a mask for something else.
Dictionary.com says the definition of tired is: “exhausted, as by exertion; fatigued or sleepy.” My subconscious, or wherever this thought came from, was right. I wasn’t tired.
The more I think about it, the more I realize the days that were hectic, often times, were the days I felt most alive. The exhaustion at the end of the day meant I’d given the events and tasks of the day all that I had.
Laying in bed last Friday afternoon, it wasn’t exhaustion. I needed to bring myself back to life.
If you’re not doing something that brings you life, if you’re not doing something that feels meaningful to you, then by definition, you’re not living a meaningful life.
There will be times where we lose sight of that, just as I did on Friday. The important thing is to leap back up. Its okay to be negative, to feel down, to be discouraged, to lose sight of what matters to you. But I refuse to accept that as my fate. I refuse to let that be the rest of my story. That’s why I will keep on leaping right back up, every time I fall, until my heart stops beating.
Don’t Misinterpret
It is important to note that even if you’re busy, you might drained if there’s nothing in your day or life that brings you joy or gives you life. I simply came to this epiphany on a day that I happened to have not done much.
It is equally important to note that you may occasionally enjoy the days where you don’t do much. You may be busy and joyful in that, but you also want to relax. That won’t be draining.
What I’m suggesting is simply that sometimes when we say we are tired, we might be covering up what might be not living a life that gives you joy. It also might be something else entirely, but keep reading for that.
Note: The following is an update on “You’re Not Tired” written by Eric Chow for his email newsletter sent on Jan 4, 2022, edited for this article.
I’ve been listening to Brene Brown’s audiobook of Dare to Lead. She said something that gave me another epiphany of how we might not simply be exhausted.
Discussing studies and articles from the Harvard Business Review, Brown shared that exhaustion may very well be covering up what is really loneliness.
This is what Harvard Business Review had to say:
“Loneliness is a painful and pernicious emotion. Defined as ‘a complex set of feelings that occurs when intimate and social needs are not adequately met,’ loneliness is different from depression, being alone, or feelings of solitude. It has more to do with a person’s quality of social relationships rather than their quantity”.
It takes tremendous vulnerability and courage to realize that we are lonely. We live in a world where we can constantly be talking to, hearing from, and engaging with people.
But I reflected on the days where I wasn’t doing much I realized I wasn’t feeling at my best. I didn’t have the zest for life that I often feel. There were a few of those days during the holiday season. I had to confront that perhaps it was because I felt lonely.
I think you’ll agree with me that if you think about the times you are most alive, many of them have to do with being around great people, feeling like you were understood, cared for, a part of something.
You weren’t lonely. And of course, some of those times you felt most alive, you were alone. Even then, you weren’t lonely.
Some of you may relate to this feeling too: Surrounded by people, but still feeling lonely.
This is how I wrote about this epiphany in my notes:
When we are lonely, we feel exhausted. We feel lethargic and don’t want to do anything. How can we build relationships, reach out to others, and create inclusion and connection?
As we go into the new year, perhaps one of your intentions and resolutions should be to build more meaningful relationships. It is certainly something to think about.
By the way, if you want content or personalized coaching in building more meaningful connections, I want to refer you to my friend Richard Lee-Thai of Excuses to Connect.
Excuses to Connect (opens in a new tab)
Thank you for reading this article.
There may be more emotions that we are covering up when we say we are tired or exhausted, and I’m still learning. I know there is research on the subject if you want to learn more. But the purpose of sharing this article is to share something that I’ve realized, and want to work on. I hope it helps you.
Eric Chow: I want you to accomplish your dreams and goals.
First published on Medium (opens in a new tab) on January 15, 2022. Lightly edited for this site.
